Hoboken, NJ — In a bold rejection of traditional campaign norms, local dad Mitch Rosenbaum has launched his bid for New York City Mayor — from the comfort of his New Jersey basement.
“I’m not stepping foot in Manhattan until I fix it,” Rosenbaum told reporters via a grainy Zoom call. “It’s chaos out there. Why would I commute into the mess I’m running to clean up?”
Rosenbaum, who’s been working from home since March 2020, claims he’s more than qualified to run America’s largest city remotely.
“If Silicon Valley can run the world from beanbags and ring lights, I can govern NYC from a suburban recliner,” he added.
Citing recent crime stats, congestion pricing plans, and the smell on the F train, Rosenbaum insisted: “New Yorkers want change. And if they can’t have that, at least give them a mayor who won’t take up space in the city.”
When asked about his opponents, Rosenbaum didn’t hold back:
“One guy’s campaign slogan is basically ‘Hey, remember me from that legal scandal?’
The other wants to abolish capitalism but somehow raised $6 million on GoFundMe.
Me? I’ve got spreadsheets. And juice boxes.”
His proposed cabinet includes his kids, a smart thermostat, and whatever ChatGPT says when asked, “How do you solve urban decay?”
Campaign slogan: “Run the city. Remotely.”
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