New York, NY — In its latest effort to increase public safety and revenue simultaneously, New York City has launched a new AI-powered surveillance system that officials claim can detect “not just crimes, but also the intent to commit a vibe.”
Mayor Adams announced the pilot program during a press conference flanked by three NYPD officers, a machine learning engineer, and an iPad duct-taped to a lamppost.
“This AI can scan faces, predict behavior, and even sense if someone is thinking about jaywalking or having a non-compliant emotion,” Adams said, as the AI flagged a reporter for “suspicious eyebrow activity.”
The system, named OMNIEYE, uses a fusion of traffic cameras, bodega ceiling domes, and Ring doorbells that weren’t unplugged properly. In early tests, it has already:
- Ticketed 87 people for “emotional loitering”
- Flagged 12 commuters for “insufficient hustle”
- Confused a yoga instructor for a terrorist because of “an intense downward dog”
“It’s like Minority Report meets Yelp,” said one civil liberties advocate.
When asked about privacy, officials reminded citizens that “you already gave it all away in 2013, Karen.”
OMNIEYE also comes equipped with built-in snark:
“You are 74% likely to ignore this crosswalk. Also, that jacket doesn’t go with those shoes.”
Sources say a future update will allow it to detect gluten intolerance, unpaid MTA fares, and whether a driver is about to park badly in Brooklyn.
At press time, the system self-flagged Mayor Adams for “ambiguous leadership patterns” and began playing a techno remix of the NYPD scanner feed.
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